My Brain is Hurting but My Heart is Happy!

October 2, 2014 by davinca

She speaks again..

I may as well warn you this is going to be a long one..
Grab a cup of coffee, tea..any beverage will do, sit back make yourself comfortable while I deliver to you this seemingly interesting (well it is to me anyway) status/segment of my life in this present moment that I feel I need or would like to share with you now..

You see these past few months have been that much more extra chaotic and intense in terms of how much I have on my to do list and need to try my best to achieve  with the time, the clock running against me each and everyday..
I am sure pretty much every one of you here can relate when I sum it up with a saying we are familiar with – “there just are not enough hours in a day”

Anyhoo..It’s been an awesomely big life at the moment and career wise my family and I am sky rocking to heights I have only ever dreamed which makes me incredibly, stupendously grateful, blessed and happy…As a flawed human but wonderful being ;) I become very internally crazy, Woj, the kids and my family see it, they hear me whine more than the average that my brain is going to explode. They hear me freaking out randomly that I don’t know how I am going to get it all done, I am doing things I have never done before and am making up and researching from others sources left right and centre. I am learning more at once and faster than I have ever before, I am teaching myself with life. I have come to accept that mistakes are wonderful as they are the cause of growth and personal development which ultimately is what radiates from my being, helping myself and others.

A few times over the past days I have wondered if this is the hardest I have ever worked.  You see I quite easily forget.
I have to remind myself that I build a house from scratch, not physically other than painting and shovelling of course..I mean I owner built, so I personally organized everything trade required to build a house from scratch to the complete hand sketch designed floor plan to sourcing the engineer’s drawings to architraves and skirtings, I learnt a lot about what it takes to build and construct and coordinate in those two years..I helped build our shop from our garage with my family.  I have been divorced twice married three times had two children and have bought and sold a few houses. I have hit rock bottom two times that I can recall as most traumatic but have crumbled to a temporarily useless mess too many times to remember, some have  probably  been blacked out but happily I can say I haven’t done that in 4 years since we lost Shane.  Only lil melt downs that have me hibernating away from the world for a few days to weeks at a time every few months or so.

Wow reading that back I guess I am a hard worker; I survived it all and have turned out totally awesome!

Yes she did just call herself awesome and she now runs a business that can help show you how to be your awesome self too” Cool huh? ;)

Woah saying all this out loud in my head to myself while typing is soo self-therapising, I often to do this without even realising it.
I really have been underestimating myself so much, I have been my own bully. I have been expecting way to much from myself and feeling like nothing I ever do is ever good enough. I have been in the trap that I am trying to teach others to free themselves from.

It’s school holidays and from morning to night I have been sat here on the computer designing our brochure and working on the most important teaching opportunity  workshop of my life when I have no real computer skills, I only last night learnt some new word short cuts lol

I have Emily, Bella and Jai yelling screaming and singing randomly in weird voices and asking me a million questions.
Emily has played mum and yelled at me for not putting a dish away sometimes and then I am yelling “sshhh” to them while I am trying to reply to the pile of emails, edit work and take ph calls coordinating my brides for hair, make up and their ceremony.
In the back of my mind I have my list of things I still need to do – I have my channels to work on and a testimonial to do for an important friend (yes you Maree) I have website work and the list goes on.
For these past few days though with today’s deadline for the launch of our exciting new wedding packages, it is that I have predominantly been working/stressing on. I launched and, did my first ever power point presentation/document (thanks to hubby for getting me started)

Jai, my lil man has been asking me every day to go out and kick the soccer ball around with him. You see he discovered two weeks ago that his mum had an impressive knack for soccer, it surprised her also.

I sit there in front of the window, I see the sun shining and I envy it every now an then when my brain is not freaking out at the screen, them or in my head with a pressure,  Woj once told me  with his workload that his head felt like it is in a vice. This is exactly how I am feeling and as earlier explained to the kids, at times I could feel steam about to brew from my ears  like frankistien or the Munster’s I can’t remember which one or who it know where I am going with it.

I sent off my published brochure to my list of brides, fixed some mistakes that happened after I published and felt a sense of accomplishment, it was a brief moment of relief and the next thing came up..again I am typing when Jai asks if I am ready now? It was in that moment the urge to write this happened.
I have had writers block for weeks, my own thoughts so racing I couldn’t settle on one thing at a time..Why does it hit me right when I felt compelled to write.?? Why? I started this article and stopped half was through, I didn’t want to but my son needed me more. You can probably tell where I stopped as when I returned the real crazy talk  flow had changed.
It wasn’t as passionate and intense. However I picked up where I left off as  I am  no longer the procrastinator I once was, well as many of you who watch my channel would know it was January that I was publicly announcing that my procrastination had become a major set back in my life. In filming every day of my life for 80 days I became more actionable. It became my habit and then I became so busy with new jobs I no longer have the time to procrastinate. My dreams are here and if I don’t work they will disappear in the bubble they floated on.

Soo anyway, back on track tangent Tash..

At this point I decided enough is enough, it’s time to give him your attention, time to get some fresh air and accept a loving break. I sure as hell had earnt it!

I now sit here physically burnt out too from all the running and kicking I am not used to but MUST do at least 3 times a week for 1/2hr is get out and be free with him. I have been reminded that I need to get some fitness, it helps a healthy body and mind stay strong, clears the head is fun and I need to practice my new found skills ;)

As I get here to the end I am not really sure what the point is to all this I have written..
I don’t have one obvious moral to my story today, however I do have a few lil ones here and there. I haven’t shared for so long and had stopped filming only as of Aug th so perhaps it was just time to share again??
At times while writing this I was thinking that filming would have been easier and quicker to get out but then I have over 150 video’s yet to edit and upload, at least now I am at the end I can do a quick spell check, so major edit as well I am just seeing things now so sorry ;) and now embedded and press post…

If you are still here to the end, thank you for reading inside my brain. Hope I have inspired you to go out and do something great, even for just ½ hour today do something for yourself, your family, loved one or future. <3

P.s Usually I would add photo’s to break up the chunks of writing but word press is broken and won’t allow me to add media so it’s just plain ol boring text today! If you managed to read all this without falling asleep I will be so chuffed and love you forever ;) xx

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