Great Loss and So Much Love

June 11, 2015 by davinca

Here is an explanation as to why I have been away from all social media for the past 8 weeks…and now why I may not return to my usual sparkly self for a little while longer.. after what I had hoped would be a chance to heal another deep dark cloud has emerged into my heart and over my being..

The first part of this was written last Friday night.

I am not exactly sure where to start..

8 weeks ago on Tuesday Woj and I’s life was instantly turned upside down and into a spin of shock and terrible heartache upon the arrival of two policemen on our door step.

I was just about to step out the door to go into the office for a photo shoot for the Advertiser for a story they were covering for Kwasi Studios when I saw the car pull up in front of our house. Instantly I panicked thinking to myself and out loud to Bella and Emily “oh my gosh what have I done?” I scrambled my memory trying to think if I had speed or..oh I don’t know I haven’t done anything but I was panicking..At this point they are still sitting in the car for what felt like forever..Finally they step out and as they walk up the driveway true panic sets in, they are coming for me for sure..Any other reason didn’t even enter my thought process..Nervously I open the door and step out the front where they proceeded to tell me news that would change our lives forever…

I shut the door and step inside where Bella is awaiting to hear what is happening and I fall into her arms the reality of what has been said, what has happened kicks in and tears flood helplessly from my eyes…My mother instinct kicks in within seconds and pull myself together, pull out all the strength I have to take the next steps before me..Find somewhere for the kids to go now and to call Woj to advise him that the shoot needs to be cancelled but I can’t tell him why, I am on my way to the office..That drive was filled with tears and a panicked and scared call to my mum for strength..How do I tell the man I love with all my heart and soul whilst he is at work and preparing for what is a wonderful thing for us news that will rip his world right out from under his feet..??

The next two weeks were a living nightmare, the tasks we had in front of us that..well..there are no words…I have lost sadly too many people in my life over recent years and each and everyone brings a new and different level of pain and confusion. This time however we were faced with handling every bit of detail right down to packing up dad’s home that very week and watching directly the man I love, my heart and soul lose a parent..It is a pain so many, everyone in fact at one time or another must endure but losing a parent or a child at a young age is a whole new level, a pain that is unimaginable.

I have lost two significant young people in my life, to see my husband lose his parent at such a young age brought a whole new level of pain and suffering..There is so much to handle, formalities and legalities that interfere with the grieving process, it is harsh, so cruel but reality never the less.

After two weeks of taking time off to handle dad’s affairs we had to return to work, work had piled up even greater, the stresses and pain all so consuming. I had put aside my pain, any grieving and my still imminent depression which has been plaguing me since last year for Woj during this time but when he went away for a week to Sydney for work three weeks in my feelings were unleashed and I had never felt more alone..at the same time I needed to be alone..Friends at this point had started noticing that

I was missing from social media and concerned begun to message and reach out but I withdrew further into my shell. It was all becoming too much, I was burying feelings, hiding away from the world managing the bare basics and juggling my at times four jobs and quite frankly..drowning…

On Saturday we will be able to say our final goodbye’s with a private service here at Da Vince (my family home) to celebrate the life of my father in law Peter Kwasniewski.

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The lead up to this day has been an array of emotions.. I for many weeks had been planning on writing this but no time ever seemed the right time and every day has been filled with on an average 14hr days with an ever growing list longer than Santa’s and the longer I stayed away the harder it has gotten to come back..perhaps the thought of sitting here and writing this, the reality of it all was too much to face.. As to when I will have the gumption and the strength to post this I do not know.

I sit here now in the office after a very long day, it’s 6.30pm Friday the 6th of June.. I have taught at the Hive and been in meetings and working non stop since I woke..I am exhausted I am spent..but the words are finally flowing somewhat..Across the office Woj is preparing the words for me to say tomorrow, the music to play and then the hardest of all things so far possibly – he has to write his feelings down for what he wants to say.. Just 7 sentences ago upon hearing Woj play Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley I burst into tears..The reality set upon me and as I approach him it hits us both..Typically a service is done within one to two weeks but as my brother and sister in law set upon their long awaited 5 week USA trip one week after the news hit us we had to wait till their return. The time has come..We are arranging a very intimate service with our closest family and friends. We have no idea what we are doing, we are creating this on our own in the best way we can to honour a man, our father whom we miss so very much. This place we call home shall never be the same without him here. It is now that I once again find myself hoping and praying that there is in actual fact life after death..that death is not final, that the spark, the spirit within lives on, that our body we reside in is only our Earth’s transportation..I need to believe we will meet our loved ones again..To believe anything else would simply cause too much pain..

It is here that we left the office..What I had at last begun to write and ended..Action mode was set back in as we went home to prepare the final arrangements…Saturday morning we woke to the sun shining brightly through the curtains..It was a bitter sweet shine..I was happy to see the sun knowing that if the weather was pleasant we could proceed with holding the service on the steps of Roma Bella, the castle/stage that my father had been working hard to complete and prepare for us to use for weddings and now for a service :(

A slight sense of hope washed over me that now we could slowly heal and move forward..this year which had so far from day 2 with the fires and everything that followed had filled us with so much struggle..We could look forward to the good stuff to come, our holiday in a few weeks and moving office when we return.

The whole morning was a blur, we rushed around preparing everything and arrived at mums to set up an hour or so before it was then that I would be told of more tragic news..Mum was not there as she has rushed to the hospital as one of our long time customers who had become family has been taken to hospital after suffering a heart attack. My sister was hoping mum would be back before I arrived so that they didn’t have to tell me till after the service..

Tim was a very dear friend to us, for 5 years pretty much every single Sunday night he would come for dinner and we would sit with him and share stories of our lives, he was a grandfather and a friend. I knew he was sick and had called him the previous week to check in on him. He was a stubborn old man and despite my tears and expression of deep concern as many of us had shared with him about getting to the hospital, he played it all down and said he would be fine but he wasn’t fine, he had suffered a heart attack and had a multitude of illness that the dr had been mistreating.

My heart fell to the floor..I am here to say farewell and to perform a service for my father in law and now to face this..I try to pull myself together once again as I do not want Woj to see or know of this. We are here for his dad, this day is about him but on the inside I am torn, I am afraid and I am hurting even more. As we are setting up dad K’s pictures and candles Woj notices something is wrong as tries to pull the information out of me. I resist but see that it is causing him frustration now so must reveal. This doesn’t go well. Understandable Woj is struggling, this day is about his dad he feels hurt and walks away leaving me to set up in tears and confusion. I can’t blame him but I am mad, I sad, I am lost but focused on the task at hand. We manage to talk it out a little, he understands and knows what Tim means to me, the timing is terrible but I am assure him I am here 100% He offers me an out to go to the hospital which I know was so hard for him, I am here for him and I will stand by his side.

Inside I am scared, I need to go to the hospital, I need to go tell Tim that I love him, he doesn’t have any children, only distant extended family and few friends who too are like family. Tim and I share a very special love, he often told me if he was 40 years younger he would marry me hehe he was a gentle and funny man. Deep down I know that this visit to the hospital may be the end..but I must be here now, fully present for Woj, for Paul, for my father in law who I miss so very much, he was a funny and loving man also. I must deal with one thing at a time.

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We completed the service, it was so beautiful. Woj’s words were so incredibly brave and heartfelt. He took so much courage to stand up and say what he did. I feel so proud of him and of what we achieved. Everyone had eaten and chatted and a few of us are to come back to our home for a few drinks and pizza. My auntie will be visiting Tim on her way home and has asked me if I would like to go. I am torn, I want to go but don’t want to abandon Woj. If I wait till morning what if I am too late? I make the decision to put my husband first but thankfully he hears this and encourages me to go. I know how terribly hard this is for him, he never had the chance to say goodbye to his dad..What a terrible rough and heart wrenching day..

I let everyone know what’s happening, to make themselves in our home and I shall return and meet them within the hour. We arrive at the hospital and many of Tim’s friends are there excited to see me, telling me how happy he will be to see me. I walk into the room and there he his all hooked up to machines but his face lights up when he sees us. I am able to squeeze his hand, kiss his cheek deeply upon hello and goodbye and tell him how much I love him and that I always will…and here with the tears again..dammit this is hard!

When we could no longer look after our cat Ily due to travel, Tim took her in and upon explaining what ILY (I love you)meant he would often say it to me..Tim repeated ILY to me twice into which I replied ILY forever. As we walked away I felt void, not sad, not happy just empty..I arrived back home and entertained our friends to early hours and was up early for work all day Sunday and Monday. As I arrived to work I felt sick, unsure if I was coming down with something..I discussed with Emily and mum that I have a feeling that may have been my last goodbye to Tim..Later that day he was taken into ICU he was stable but as I was not feeling well I couldn’t go back to the hospital at risk of exposing any germs to him.

On Monday evening after work we had to take my mother in law to the airport so I had decided to take Bella & Jai who had not yet been to see Tim to the hospital on Tuesday after school, however this did not happen as I received a phone call from mum on the way to the airport that Time has left us…:( despite the feeling I had that was so strong that I had said my final goodbye, dad and I still held out hope that he would fight to see another year…Sunday nights will never be the same again..We shall forever reserve table 2 for your Tim, dad is working on one now that will have your name and photo’s in it.

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So it turns out on Saturday I said goodbye to two very special men in my life, one a father in law and the other a grandfather/friend. I really am not sure how much more I can take atm but at the same time I am sure it’s a lot for I truly believe from all that has happened and continues to happen, what life throws at us that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger..but I can’t help but want to end that with..it does eventually kill you, it gets all of us at one point or another..We never know when will be our last moment, our last conversation, interaction, hug, kiss, laughter, hello or goodbye..

I want to savour every minute I have, I want to give more, share more, love harder and laugh deeper and louder but at the same time I sit here hiding away from the world, facing what I must, managing the bare basics but unable to do any more. I am drowning in emotions and an excessive workload that doesn’t allow me to socialize much. I am doubting that I should be producing any more video’s, sharing any more blogs, photos and status..I am my own yin and yang…Usually I can rise above it just enough that the dark doesn’t over power..I am so unsure, so lost right now..I will rise again yes, I will shine brighter than ever before again yes..but for now, for today as with the past many many months (nearly a year) and now I am unsure when or how much longer..I am focusing on my family, my students and our staff. I am not giving my best, I can feel it and see it but it is the best I have to give for now.

Tim’s funeral is on Wednesday, I am so glad that it is not too long to wait.

I am incredibly grateful my husband allowed me to go to the hospital so that I was able to tell a wonderful 85 year old man how much I loved him <3

Dad K we will create a DVD night in honour of your love for movies and will always make sure we turn up our music extra loud for you :)

Despite all the pain and suffering in life I am grateful for so much more and shall allow the good to outweigh the bad.

I am grateful to all who came to the service and to all who have reached out to me, acknowledging I had been missing and checking I was ok.I have been a terrible friend and for that I deeply apologize for not getting back to you all.

I am grateful for having an amazing family who are my rock and light.

I am grateful for having a holiday to go on in 26 days, 20 hrs and 26 sec (not that I am counting but my countdown app is ;) which will allow Woj and I a much needed break and time to rediscover ourselves, where we are going and what it is all about.

I am grateful for the experiences life has given me and us for they have made us so much stronger.

I am grateful for being alive, for being able to walk, talk, run, hear and see.

I am grateful to have jobs that allow me to to teach young girls the power of love and life, bride and grooms to share in their special day, a company and a team of staff that I have a special part in building and improving and a Cafe/Venue that is the reason why I know so many of you and the very reason Tim was able to become a part of our family.

I am grateful to have known Peter and Tim….For as the saying goes,  it is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved before ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

 


  • Sam Matthews Furina

    Thanks so much for sharing your story…sending condolences,
    love and light to you and your family. They say that we are never given more than we can handle, but sometimes it seems that it’s one thing after another and some get more than their fair share. Take time to smell the flowers, feel the sun and hug those you love and find a reason to smile….every day is a gift.

    • Natasha Kwasniewski

      Thank you so very much for your kind words beautiful!
      I couldn’t agree more, life is so very precious and it’s terribly important to stop and appreciate the small things. Again thanks Sam, this message really does mean so much! xo

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